Monday, 29 October 2012

Addictions, pains and strains

ADDICTIONS
I need to make a confession. The doctor warned me to addictions of cheese and chocolates, things that slide down so you can consume more of. I wasn't worried about the chocolate as I have never been a massive chocolate fan and only really craving sweet food like that for a few days a month. cheese I was worried about. But I have kept it limited and in my calorie range. What I am addicted to is Cheezels. Every day I have one or two snack size packets, I am including the calories in my daily intake. But they are empty calories. But  50 grams of Cheezels a day is so bad. Only 3.6g of Protein and 28g of Carbs.  Thats also 266 Calories (thats just over a quarter of my allowance). But today I gobbled down a whole 110 Gram box. The guilt and shame. But tomorrow is a new day. Plus if its any consolation they did make me feel sick. Plus I still didn't go over my calories today as it was too hot to eat much.

STRAINS
Well so much for my promise to use the treadmill a minimum of 15 minutes a day at least 4 times a week. I did an hour on it last tuesday, also did about 50 steps that day. On the Wednesday I woke and realised I'd pulled a muscle in my calf. So have used that as an excuse all week not to exercise as it's painful. It would probably be good for me to exercise the strained muscle but old habits die hard. Still have my big charity walk for Prem Baby research coming up in November and that is about 5km, at the moment I am no where near that fitness level so need to get back on the horse (or treadmill lol) and work on that fitness level.



PAINS
Well the pain in my calf I just mentioned, I'm also been having some tummy troubles. I get constipated for about 3 to 5 days. Then finally do a very hard painful motion (I refer to this as the plug). Then I will have loose or watery motions for a day or two. Then the cycle will repeat itself. I suppose it makes a difference to the good old IBS I used to have constantly (now its IBS or 2 days of a week) Have a doctors appointment coming up so will discuss what I can do to level myself out. It might be just a simple solution of having psyllium husks. Though they jellify and would fill me up very quickly.


Well it's 32 Kilograms down now. Roughly now working out to be about a kilo a week, with small stalls. (But I know think my bowel movements have a lot to do with my stalls). Still addicted to weighing myself 100 times a week, but now only recording it about once a week. Haven't done my photo's or measurements for a bit. Should try to get them done this week.
Just heard on the news nasty storms in the US, be safe my internet friends xx

Monday, 15 October 2012

RSL and Treadmill

Thursday 11th October 2012

Ok, my body is really starting to scream at me it's not getting enough nutrition. My Restless Leg syndrome (RLS) keeps me up most nights, add that to being so tired already and i am officially a walking zombie. This time last week I was only just telling someone how much more energy I had and today, well you would need a cattle prod to move me.
I don't know if I'm coming down with something, I'm having trouble eating anything. I ache and energy level is an all time low since the surgery. Finally have a doctors appointment tomorrow, hoping after the last blood test that it will show maybe I just need a Vitamin B12 injection again. Or that the RSL is just caused from lack of Magnesium that can be fixed with a supplement.
My weight is hovering around 149 - 150 kg. Hardly moving again, considering my calorie intake is under 1000. The lack of weight loss is annoying. But I can't whinge since it is still on the downward slope.
Everyone seems so highly strung this week. I have managed to offend 2 people on Facebook this week to actually have them delete me. Silly me put my opinion on their statuses, must remember not all people like comments. If I don't like someones comment I just shrug it off. I suppose that's the difference between me and other people. Been a victim of cruelty with my weight so long I grew a thick skin.
Speaking of annoying things and most people struggling with their weight will agree with this one. People's opinions regarding your weight loss. It's amazing when I tell people that I am now (27 kg) down, how they then offer advise on what to eat and do. It's like 'HELLO' I just told you that I have lost all this weight and now you want to tell me what to eat and do!!!! Even today was making general conversation that I had to up my protein, so next thing I'm being told a list of high protein foods. I just hate unsolicited advise. Oh I just read back what I wrote and I think I'm a bit snappy too, must be the weather, or even the start of daylight savings making everyone narky.
Went out both Friday and Saturday nights. Stayed out past 3am too. Funny not drinking or smoking anymore. Watching people get intoxicated as the night goes by can be an amusing past time. People are surprised when I tell them I'm not drinking as i can still act silly when I want too. They had a really good band on Saturday too, and as much as it is annoying to dance in the middle of really drunk people. I still danced for about an hour. Something I hadn't done in years. Doubled the amount of dancing time from last fortnight so hopefully when I go out next go even longer. (mind you my ankle killed the next day, no idea what I did)

15th October 2012
Well fell asleep on that last entry never got it finished. Ok Doctors, no deficiencies. We did talk about how when I go out dancing my legs don't hurt that night so she wanted me to do 10,000 steps a day (I googled it and its about walking for hour and half). There is no way I could leave my kids unsupervised for that long even if they are teens. So broke into my savings and bought a treadmill. So yesterday I did 15 minutes, so far today I have done 10 minutes (but plan to jump back on and do another 10). Kids are all fighting about their turns, novelty will eventually wear off, with them, not me I hope! Specially since it cost me $2000. Has a life time warranty on the motor so thats a good thing. Paid my ex $30 (and 2 vodka cruisers) to pick it up and put it together for me  Was watching him thinking I wouldn't have had a clue so glad he said yes. Plus it took him and my 4 boys to get it in the house, its massive.
Doctor wants to see me again in 3 weeks to check on the meds she gave me for the restless legs and do a full checkup on me.
Have started to vomit a bit more than usual so must get her opinion on that, I might be trying solid food to quick, no matter how much I mush it up. Had some roast chicken that I had shredded tonight and it came back up. Ooh speaking of food, had a breakfast bar for dinner, it was so sweet. My body is definitely not used to sweet foods anymore. I used to love these bars now they are sickly sweet.
also wanted to comment on how people are starting to notice the weight loss. Dentist I only met 4 weeks ago, went back today and she commented on my shrinking frame. Everyone is commenting on how much happier I seem.
Well better get my kids to bed, it's a school night and they are all still on their computers. I have had heaps on my mind to write about lately so will start jotting notes and hopefully next blog will be a whopper.
One of my best friends is due back from America soon, she hasn't seen me since my pre op diet days, can't wait to see the expression on her face :)

Thursday, 4 October 2012

26kg DOWN

My daughter took some photo's of me with my boys tonight, I keep looking at them saying WOW. I still have a double chin in the pictures (not a triple). But other than my clothes starting to fall off me, I hadn't really any idea. I still have a long way to go. Well you can say I'm a third of the way with my goal weight. But actually 1/4 from what I have the potential to get too if I put my mind to it. But at the moment my next Goal is to see those scales read under 150kg. It's getting close, jumped on last night and they said 150.7kg, but I didn't record it as decided as I can fluctuate up to 2 kilograms that I will only record once a week. So my last official weigh in was 151.4kg.
It's coming off much slower now, I suppose a lot of that initial weight loss would have been a lot of fluid. Had my stall, so now even the slightest movement is better than none. I really have to get my arse into gear and start exercising more. why I'm getting excited about the 150 mark is it is the maximum weight for the Wii fit and I want to start using that as part of my exercise routine.



 This is what 26kg (57 lb) down looks like.  I look so much more happier too :)

Friday, 28 September 2012

September


Well I finally am no longer classified “Super Obese” and have joined the ranks of ‘Morbidly Obese’.
I actually didn't realise the title of Super Obese existed until told so by a bariatric surgeon earlier in the year. (It is someone who has a BMI of over 50)
So my BMI is now 49, and decreasing J
Went out for the first time in Months last night, had birthday drinks at a friend’s first (well I had Cola Cordial and made it a tiny bit stronger than usual lol) Then we went to our local in town. They have a dance floor and bands playing on Friday and Saturday night. I surprised myself and actually got up and danced for about half an hour. Also stood around, previous visits over the last couple of years were me honing in on the nearest seats and plopping my backside down for the night. I found I was ok standing around, my feet and knees didn't ache.
Now the only problem’s where 1. Now I don’t smoke anymore the beer garden has a roof over it and the cigarette smoke was ‘trapped’. Considering only 2 of us don’t smoke in a group of about 15 friends this is where we hang out. So after an hour I felt an asthma attack looming and I didn't have my inhaler as I haven’t needed it since giving up smoking myself. This also brought on a wicked headache. 2. Drunk sleazy men when I’m sober is a real turn off. If I was tipsy or drunk, I probably would be loving the attention in my shrinking body. But this time of year the place was full of football players having their breakups all over the limit!!! 3. Due to my iron levels being low, I was exhausted by 1am (the place closed at 3am).  So about 1.45, I said my goodbyes. One advantage of not drinking is that I drove there and didn't have to wait around and pay for an expensive taxi ride home.
Considering I never touched a drop of alcohol last night, I had the weirdest dreams. Actually weird is an understatement. It ended very erotically, right at the good bit too lol Now to find the lead character from my dream in real life. Even though he was pure evil shape shifter (as I said really weird dream lol) Usually I like to psycho analyse my weird dreams, I think it’s a Virgo thing J But this dream last night I wouldn't know where to start. Petrol stations,  fields, schools, norty child throwing sandwiches on the floor, evil dogs, tar, court room, empty streets, soldiers behind a fence (in which I climbed over) Evil entity, space vortexes, bathrooms, trying to safe some aunt I’d never met,  class rooms, giant bird/dragon type creature,  Black rooms and sex.  It’s like my head hadn't been allowed to dream for months and decided to throw them all into a mixer together!!!!
Sometimes I think as soon as I wake I should write it all down, many a time I have had a dream that I think would make a great movie (last night’s dream was too jumbled for any script). By not writing my dreams down am I throwing away a great opportunity to become a famous writer!! J
Ok off topic of weird dreams, can you belief my kids and I have used up over 200GB of usage and the month isn't even over. My computer has been slowed down to dial up speed, (so takes 20 minutes for a page to load). So even though I am journaling on the 22nd September I won’t be able to blog till the 25th. It is so frustrating, considering I like my daily internet fix.
Well you can tell it’s spring here in Australia, I have a blow fly buzzing around me. Think it might be time to get the screens fixed again to keep out the blow flies.

Some time later.......(26 September)
I went out for my niece’s birthday last Saturday night, first meal out. Ordered the pumpkin soup, managed about half of it. But that’s not why I mention the dinner.  My ex brother in law knows how to ruin my mood.  First he steals my drink, and then he insults me in front of everyone.  First  when I was ordering my meal, he says across the bar, “do you really need that” not even knowing what I ordered. Then again at the table he makes a comment about fat people should eat. Then to top it off he steals my $120 jacket and took off home with it. (I got my daughter to run in and grab it, but will now need dry cleaning). I had to put up with this alcoholic while I was married to his brother, I try not to have anything to do with him now. But it was my nieces birthday dinner so I held my tongue as I could clearly see how ashamed she was of him. Sad thing is his wife and one of his daughters are both very large woman too. I hate to think of the drunken abuse they deal with. He is just a dirty hobo.
Had another dinner on Tuesday, (no ex brother in law insight thank god). This is when I learnt it can be harder than I think to eat out. I go out thinking I will order the soup, I can manage that and be sociable and eat too. The soup was mushroom, I hate mushroom with a passion. The menu was not new tummy friendly at all. I settled for a serving of vegetables, minus any veggies that are hard. So it was mashed mustard potato and pureed cauliflower. My first mistake was it was warm in the restaurant so I ended up having a glass of water before the meal. Second problem not mine, was I was served last (they had forgotten my order) and as we all now know we need minimum half hour for a small meal if not longer. So I only got 3 forkfuls in before I was feeling so uncomfortable. So my plate was sent back barely untouched. Wish I had thought to bring a container from home as my kids would have scoffed it down in seconds as it did taste delicious (I actually added a bit of mustard be sauce to their mashed potato dinner tonight, they loved it.) Lucky for me everyone at the table knew I had had the surgery so no one asked any uncomfortable questions. 
Even later...... (28 September)
Well I’m living on concrete floors at the moment. Was meant to have lino put through the house, but after they ripped it up they informed me the ‘layer’ is off sick so won’t be done for a few days. Not happy considering all the lounge and kitchen furniture is shoved into the boys’ bedroom and hallway.  Lucky it’s school holidays, so I can let them camp out in the empty lounge room for the weekend. I’m getting the floorboard look lino. So until you actually touch it, it looks like floorboards.
Been debating if I should do a YouTube blog, I follow a few who have had the Gastric sleeve. It’s good to find one and watch their shrinking bodies as the months go past. But I have trouble trying to blog once or twice a week. Would I manage to keep up to date with a video blog??!!! Oh well, something for me to dwell on.  
Oh found a great link about the do's and don'ts of Gastric sleevers. http://www.northwestobesitysurgery.com/pdf/sleeve-gastrectomy-diet.pdf  Hopefully the link works.

Well been playing on my computer long enough, better go kick the kids of their computers and make them have some family time :)

Thursday, 20 September 2012

NSV's (No Scale Victories)

Lately I have noticed a lot of people have been talking about their NSV's, so I thought since my weight lose over the last 2 weeks has been minimal I would cheer myself up by sharing mine.

Had a bath today, my thighs didn't get stuck on the sides and got out without to much difficulty
Started walking this week, it may only be a distance of 460 Metres (1/4 mile). I did the same walk 3 months ago and had to stop half a dozen times to catch my breath. I can now walk the same route without stopping in half the time.
Brought some Boots about 2 months before my sleeve. Put them on for the first time since my sleeve. they are very loose. Either i have to wear really thick socks or sell them!
All my "fat" clothes had been getting tight (some not fitting any more) over the last few months. Now most of my wardrobe from the last 2 years fits again.
Went to the dentist, looking around for a chair without arms, was none. then surprised myself that I could comfortably sit in a waiting room chair.
My heart rate is back at a safe level.
I started dreading shopping, today I walked all over Target getting a heap of bargains :)
Went to Autograph (16 to 26 shop) I had got to the stage only a selected few of the 26's where fitting. well got into a size 24 pair of jeans with room to spare (did try on 22 but tight over the bum) and brought 2 new tops to go out for my birthday drinks tomorrow night.
I had a birthday Goal to be 25 kg lighter and missed it by 2 kg. But I'm happy it's still coming off even though its now at a crawl. Only 1 kg in 8 days. Have started tracking on 'My Fitness Pal' to get an idea of how many calories I am actually having, it's good as it also measures iron, protein etc all those other things I should be monitoring. I have actually consumed 1400 calories today, that's higher than usual as I pigged into some cashew nuts earlier.
Well with all the birthday's I have had, this is only the 3rd time I haven't had a cake. (usually buy one for myself and the kids) No candle to blow out! But one of my son's taught himself today how to play 'happy birthday' on the Guitar and that recital was better than any fat laden cake :)

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Nightmares, Stalls, Heart Rates and Diets

Had the worst nightmare last night, was skinny but had the worst saggy skin ever. My tummy hung down to my thighs and even my knees had all this baggy loose skin hanging off them. I once saw a photo of someone that had extreme weight lose and looked like a melted candle (Picture to left). I know why I had this dream, it was a comment my doctor made over a week ago that is still playing on my mind. We where talking about my weight loss so far, and I made a comment about at this rate I'll be looking hot in a bikini at Christmas (it was a joke). She got all serious and said no I will have to undergo skin removal for that. I know I will most likely have to have my stretched tummy skin removed (knew that after giving birth to the twins that I would never have a flat tummy again). But I have never thought about other skin around the body that's been stretched. I must stay positive and think how healthy I will be after my weight drops off. Loose skin is just going to have to be a forever punishment for letting myself get so ginormous.

Ok now I have shared my nightmare, thought I'd let you all know the scales have slowly started to move again. The stall lasted over a week and was frustrating since I'm a daily weigher. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself jumping on the scales every morning and evening. I finally got my monthlies (late but guessing the surgery threw out my bodies rhythm) and surprise surprise the scales started to budge again. So I will not be so shocked in a months time if I get another weeks stall.

I really need to get my diet sorted out, need to make an appointment with the dietician. I know I'm not getting as much protein in as I should and probably over eating a few bad things. Cruskits and cream cheese (low fat but still!!!!) are my biggest weakness. I should start a calories journal. I'm also discovering I am having moments when I'm hungry all the time. I'm trying to work out is this feeling just a bit of reflux or thirst. Another thing I need to wean myself off the oxycontin I was put on them for pain when I left the hospital, now I'm depending on them as I am suffering Restless Leg Syndrome really bad and the oxycontin are the only things that allow me to get to sleep. One friend said since I have given up food, soft drink, alcohol and smoking, that maybe my body was trying to swap addictions. I really don't know. All I know is the pain and arghhh how do you explain restless legs, like someone running feathers tickling under your skin. When someone tickles you so much it hurts......  I'm trying to increase my iron intake hoping it is just that causing the RLS.

Have this app on my phone that measures your pulse rate with your finger over the light. I hadn't used it in ages, I used to have a resting heart rate of averaging around 97. Today I used it and my heart rate is 76, back in a safe zone. Good to see another benefit of the weight loss, less stress on my heart.
I was running late for an appointment 2 days ago,and I actually got into a half jog, walk fast mode. 3 months ago I would be puffing just from slow walking. Little things like these moments make me feel like I am achieving something as I can't really see my body decreasing in size.

I keep thinking I'm over eating as I get hungry every few hours and have something to snack on. But I actually looked at what I consumed in one day and it is a fraction of what my old intake was.
Total so far for today, example:
Breakfast: Porridge sachet and 1/2 cup low fat milk
Snack: 125 Gram of no fat yoghurt
Lunch: 4 low fat cruskits with around 100 grams low fat cream cheese (eaten over half hour period)
Snack: Small Banana
Snack: 125 gram sorbet no fat
Dinner: Tablespoon of savoury Mince and 1/2 slice of bread (no crust)

I will probably have one more thing before bed, probably a protein shake as looking at that list I need more in the day. My water intake has been 750 mls, I know I need to increase this. Funny, really thought I'd been pigging out till I actually wrote it all down. I need to sit down and work out the calories. Also need to get the tape measure out and do my body measurements again. But before I do that, I need to put the kids to bed and finish washing uniforms and make school lunches, dishes to do in there somewhere too. Had a really lazy day of watching tv shows on my laptop so my Sunday of rest and relaxation must come to an end.



Saturday, 1 September 2012

Epic Adventure Continues

Well where do i start.
PART 1:

Hopped on a train Thursday afternoon (9 Aug) with my daughter, bags packed and head buried in 2nd 'Shades of Grey' book too take my mind off everything. Arrived at my sisters after 2 trains and a taxi about 4.30pm. After a very annoying phone call from the builder who was demanding access to my house as the kitchen was ready to install (bad timing on his part and no warning for me or I would have made arrangements). So gave me something else to worry about other than the operation. Slept reasonably well that night, considering it was on a mattress on the floor and the smell of my sisters cigarettes has impregnated every inch of her house.
they dropped me off at 10.20am at the doors and i found my way up to pre admissions.
this is where you wait with dozen or so other people. They take you into a room and do your obs* (observations, blood pressure, temp, pulse, oxygen saturations, blood sugar). then given a gown, support stockings and dressing gown and told to go down to the disabled toilet to get changed. Then because someone else was in the toilets she told me if I was quick it would be ok to get changed in the small exam room. I asked for a bigger gown and dressing gown, she found a larger gown but no luck with the dressing gown. So with modesty shattered I go back to the cattle collection area and wait again. I had to throw my jacket over my knees as didn't want to scare any other patients to the view I might accidentally flash.
then I was called back up and had to have blood taken, dressing gown was so tight woman had to wrestle me out of it,  I did get her to help me tie my gown ties.  Then back to the cattle yard again.
Finally called a 3rd time, no idea what was going on. Nurse took my bags and put them in a storage room after we decorated them in labels with my details. Then we walked to the lifts and up to the surgical ward. Scottish nurse with a beautiful bed side manner asked me a heap of questions, went through a few details of what was to happen and got me to jump on a bed. Then had anesthetist team chat to me and put in a cannula. Explained due to the nature of the operation also required a cannula in my neck, they will do in theatre and not to be scared when I wake with one there. Also another in my wrist, so this can measure blood pressure.
Was wheeled into the small room before entering theatre where they started attaching more bits and pieces, Surgeon come and said a few words to me and then wheeled into the theatre. They used an hoover bed thingy to move you from the bed to the operating table. Remember looking at the 3 enormous lights that hadn't been turned on, the anesthetist saying something and lights out......

PART 2: ICU

Woke up in recovery, my body was screaming in pain but all I could do was groan. Was thinking, OMG yes I'm alive but in the same thought, this pain is unbearable I wish I was dead. As i drifted in and out of consciousness I noticed the pain was getting more bearable and I was becoming more aware of my surroundings. Then I was wheeled to ICU, I vaguely remember an argument how ICU wasn't ready for me but I couldn't go back to recovery.
Was given a pain button, self administer my pain meds into my drip.Well I locked myself out of that system when I used it too much. I do belief that if I didn't have a woman going off her tree for 6 hours next to me I would have got some sleep and probably wouldn't have needed to push my button. But the crazy lady was crying 'helfen' in like 10 second intervals, changing to the word 'help me' occasionally. They had to restrain her as she tried ripping out her IV. She was screaming that the nurse was trying to poison her, and that her husband was going to shoot them all..... Poor nurse was in tears at one stage. My only demands of care was mainly to feed me ice every so often. Also in ICU I learnt how understaffed they where. It is meant to be one nurse/one patient ratio. But they had 2 patients, then covered other staff during breaks. I had to have 2 chest x-rays done, still had my canulla in my neck, was finally allowed a glass of water in the morning. By about lunchtime the next morning I was well enough to go to the ward.

PART 3: THE WARD

Was wheeled down in my bed to the ward. 1 South, bed 29. Was a 4 bed ward, 3 beds on one side and 1 bed on the other, the other space taken up with the nurses station in the actual room. Also had a room at the end with toilet and shower. I was by the door across from the nurses station. They rolled my bed up next to the one in the room an to maintain some dignity I wiggled myself over to the other bed.
I was sharing a room with 3 men (so much for the policy to try to have same sex wards, its a lie). 2 elderly men who had obviously had bowel operations and another gastric sleeve patient. It's funny I was only here for 3 nights but it seemed like much longer. As I am writing this over a week after the event, things won't be in time order, (drugs have mangled the brain a bit on that one too) so no total recall lol.
So over the next few days, it was trying to tolerate fluids, the disgusting leak test (it was so hard not to spew up the horrid fluid they make you drink).  Convincing them I was having enough liquids and no longer needed to control my pain dosage, so I could get the horrible IV removed.
You know when you are getting better, it's when you become more aware of your surroundings, you can't sleep through the moans of others and you just want to go home.
I couldn't wait to escape, I found the public hospital to be dirty and chaotic. Told myself I have to get private health Insurance so I never have to experience the public system again.

PART 4: HOMEWARDS

Finally after 4 nights, I was told Early Tuesday morning I could go home. Since they needed the bed, everything happened quickly. I showered and dressed while they organised paperwork, I sat in a chair while they stripped the bed and packed me up, where I was sent down to the transit lounge to await for my cousin to pick me up. Gave me a bag of drugs and off I went home. The ride home even though it was over 2 hours was quick as my cousin had work issues so I heard all about them so I just sat back and half hearted listened to her droll on. The excitement of the day wore me out so as soon as I got home to the familiar comfort of my own bed I slept for ages.


PART 5: THE JOURNEY HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN

Well it's now 22 days since my sleeve, 20 kg (44 lb) down from my heaviest ever. Since getting out of hospital I have had my kitchen renovated and house painted (still have to get floors done, but lino wasn't in stock so a few more weeks). My boys where at their fathers for 3 weeks and I just got them back yesterday. Oh ended up in casualty, not from my sleeve but I knocked myself out by hitting my head on corner of a bookcase. Had concussion, not fair to have a 2 day hangover when I don't drink lol.
Still trying to get my diet right, learning the hard way what some no no's are (had a bite of a pizza, even though I chewed 100 times, still didn't want to stay down then hours of discomfort.)
My diet is a bit shonky, still chewing on horrid chewable vitamins and also from today iron tablets. I am living of puree'd fruit tubs, yoghurt, sorbet, pumpkin soup and cream cheese on cruskits. Oh and a optifast with a scoop of protein day. Did discover chocolate mousse slides down easily, but felt sick after I ate it.
Scales haven't budged for 4 days, but dreaded monthlies showed up tonight so that explained the stall. Plus I am not exercising much. Also sleep a lot still, no energy. I lifted a box 2 nights ago and strained one of the incisions so very tender at moment.
Haven't needed my diabetes or arthritis medicine since surgery day. But a new problem (actually an old problem arisen) Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), had this during my pregnancies and when I get run down. I belief with me it's caused by lack of iron. I had stopped taking my iron tablets since my operation, so back on iron today. Doctor want's me to get bloods done next week, but week is so busy already so have to squeeze that in somewhere. She also told me I have to start retaking my Vitamin D at least till summer.
She has given me a lower dose script of the oxycontin (was sent home with these from hospital for pain) for the RLS as this helps, but wants me off them before my next visit in 6 weeks. So must remember to take my iron tablet daily (even though it's big and nasty to swallow).

Well I need to go and send my kids to bed, hopefully won't fall to behind on my blog again. But always get a bit vague after I have a general anesthetic (I mean like for a few weeks after). Have my boys straight for 3 weeks now. With all 5 kids booked into dentist, 2 have paediatric appointments,  2 have curriculum days off school and teacher strike happening this week. Plus the kitchen is getting inspected, dog groomer on Tuesday and I have a Centrelink appointment in that mix somewhere. It's welcome back to the real world for me.....







Thursday, 16 August 2012

4 days to go.

Well definitely know why I need the surgery. Can't even stay true to a diet for a few weeks. Only had a small cheat but angry at myself. Made the kids chicken with roast spuds. couldn't help myself, stuck a yummy oily roasted spud in my mouth. I know it wasn't a big cheat. But still annoyed that I did it. It tasted so yum too. I should be cooking the kids foods I hate this week. Not favourites lol.

Funny the optifast is starting to taste really salty. Wonder if this has happened to anyone else. Must remember to ask on a forum. Seems not only is my sense of smell becoming acute, so is my sense of taste.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Photo's, smells and kids

I did some Before (for the future before/after photos). I really don't realise how big I am. I have always been big since high school, but now I'm super obese and my mind still thinks otherwise until I see photo's.  Anyway no one will be seeing the before photos, wore light coloured tan leggings and a white thermal top and they where very fitted showing each bump and lump. Will be saved away till I at least drop 40 kilo's. Though I plan to do photo's every 10 kg I drop. which reminds me I need to do the next lot soon as I am only 500 grams away from 10 kg down from my heaviest ever weight. (recorded back in June).

Today I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few months, she asked if I'd lost weight. She didn't know my surgery was coming up but knew I was having it. She is on a waiting list for a band. I told her to see about the sleeve as it has a way lower fail rate. (my sisters had the band and really I can't see great results). Maybe when I start loosing more weight she might consider it.

Watching the Olympics, wondering how great would it be to be that fit. Just watched the woman's triathlon. Aussie girl came 3rd. Thinking wouldn't it be great (maybe not a triathlon). To be able to go in a marathon race, not wanting to win just to finish. Who knows what the future might bring. It's been looking brighter already lately.

They where having a sausage sizzle at the netball today, it smelt so good. I'm learning to appreciate the smells that I can't eat. At least I can let food enjoy my other senses. Did do a bit of a no no tonight, but thought I have been so good and it was a minor infraction I will not punish myself about it. I made hamburgers for the kids for dinner. My salad of carrot, lettuce, tomato and capsicum was looking very bland. I tipped in the left over fried onion (yes dripping in oil). But it made my very bland salad taste slightly better and I hadn't put any dressing on the salad prior.

My teenagers are fighting and stressing me out. I'm really worried about after the operation that this won't be good for me. Specially the moments I actually have to break them up when fighting. I asked their father if he would take the twins (13) for an extra week after my operation and he is thinking about it (which in the past his thinking about it is usually a no unless he can get something out of it.)




Well 5 Days, 13 hours and 30 minutes left on my count down ticker. (that's my check in at the hospital time). Still got heaps to do. Biggest fear is the kitchen reno's 2 weeks after my operation and I need to pack up and move as many heavy items as I won't be able to lift for a bit afterwards. trying to organise lift for kids to their sporting events for when I can't drive for a couple of weeks after. Just need to get paperwork organised for the woman that is taking over my secretary role for the housing group that we self manage, for couple weeks (all the meetings fall the week after my surgery).  Also really need to clean up my bedroom as I have a floordrobe happening and want to be able to walk around my bed without tripping over.
So much to do, why am I mucking around on my computer lol

















Friday, 3 August 2012

Smells, Taste and Wind

OMG OMG OMG. It's funny been waiting since 2006 (longer than most as I had to put my name back on waiting list, as all the crap that was happening in my life at the time). after all that waiting, it just seems unreal that it's nearly here. The start of my forever journey. The kick up the arse I have been needing for so long. I know it will be not easy road, one of the hardest things will be not using food to deal with the shit in my life. One of the reasons I got to this size, so with my crutch gone, and my safety net shrinking (my fat is my safety net from the world) Will have a lot of ups and downs. Thank God (or whoever is watching over me) I have wonderful friends x

I weighed myself this morning, so far since my pre-admission weight, I have lost 7.5kg,(16.5 pounds) put on my jeans this morning and the thighs are baggy. My daughter who never notices anything actually commented while we where shopping today that she could tell. (Shame the weight loss hasn't come with added energy still needed to sit down a few times while shopping)
Then this afternoon was explaining to one of my boys how much I have lost and to show him I went and grabbed flour and cake mixes and milo tins till he had 7.5kg in his hands. You don't realise how much it is until you are actually holding it. 

While at the shopping centre with my daughter we had to walk through the food court. It's funny when you haven't eaten solid food for a week now your other senses kick in. The smell of fried food nearly made me dry reach. But when walking past Subway the smell of the salad and fresh bread. Well it set my taste buds going.

I have so much wind and my stomach is forever rumbling, not so much hunger rumble, but a protest of stomach acids as there is nothing for them to break down. Would fill up more if I was a big veggie eater. Realised most of my favourite vegetables where starchy ones :(  Even brought some salad, as I enjoy salad, but it was just so bland with no cheese or meat or not having it with bread.
Oh how bad am I (not in a break the diet kinda way, but in a feral licking like a dog way) just made the kids tandoori chicken with rice and after I broke up the chicken licked my fingers like I would never eat again. Proud I didn't just grab a chunk and chuck it in my mouth. I am enjoy the aroma of it, got to taste the sauce, now my kids are enjoying gobbling it up lol.

TUBS x



Friend with Benefits

I have been seeing someone a few times this year under the title of "friends with Benefits" but I really know what this title is. It really means "I will sleep with you, but I don't want to be seen in public with your fat ugly body". How do I know this, well the guy I had the benefits with had that title as he was from 'out of town' about hour and half away and honestly with both of us with kids there was no future for a long time. But he informed me yesterday that he can no longer sleep with me as he now has a girlfriend. I accepted this as I said we lived to far apart. But he continued to inform me where she lived. She is 3 hours away from him (we where hour and half).
He was a friend (since we where teenagers) first and I now wish I had left it at that. He is coming over to do maintenance on my property (I got him the job, another regret) tomorrow. So have decided I'm going shopping. Leave him here with the list of things that need fixing.
In a way I am relieved he got a girlfriend as if I have to be honest with myself I settled. Meaning that I haven't had myself on the 'market' and when someone showed a little bit of interest to me sexually, I jumped at the chance. If he was in my life full time, well he just wouldn't be. He is a 'poor me' soul and I wouldn't put up with his bitching about the ex wife and custody crap (he has been separated 16 months) full time. Once a week on the phone was enough.
Anyway, next week is the start of my new life and going into that new life free of ties is the best. I know as soon as the weight falls off him and others will be sniffing around, and sweeties....you didn't want me at my worst so you are not having me at my best!!!

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Mixed bag of ramblings from my mind

Day one of my pre-op diet AGAIN lol. At least this time I have a count down woohoo. But I'm so HUNGRY. Last time I went on the pre-op diet I didn't get as hungry as I feel right now, my tummy is actually growling at me :(
Haven't been shopping so can't even cook up some veggies on the free list. Trying to fill up on water but it doesn't seem to be working. Oh well early night and hopefully my rumbling tummy doesn't keep me awake.


Have had the trots all day, need fibre, but can't have benefibre. Brought Psyllium husk today (recommended by my GP) Had 2 teaspoons with my optifast dinner, so far so good, no crapping or running to the toilet like with the benefibre. Only thing is does make the drink gritty, doesn't dissolve as good as the benefibre. Must remember will need beneprotein or something similar for after the surgery. I weaned myself off coke last time I started the pre-op diet, this time I have to wean myself of diet lemonade and diet cordials as GP said no artificial sweeteners at all.  


Just read a blog last night about who told family, friends about their operations. I think I am very lucky to have wonderful friends and family that support my decision. I have had nearly no negative feed back in my choice. My eldest son and best friend are worried about me going under the knife, but that is the only fear that has been voiced. I have not made a secret of my decision, but nor have I gone public with it to acquaintances. If someone asked I plan to be open about it. My life is pretty much an open book, but I like it that way as any rumors about me are usually started by me lol.






Still have so much to get organised and this weekend has been taken up with kids sports (a whole 5 hours of netball tomorrow for a netball carnival. 14 minute games and think they play about 7 all up over the day) Must remember to take the Ritalin. Not sure if I have mentioned before have 2 kids out of my 5 on the autism spectrum. My eldest has mild to medium  Aspergers, he had a lot of intervention when younger but is coping well in main stream school and my youngest has Autism. I never liked the idea of medicating him, but put a skeptic in the room with him for an hour without him having his meds for the day and the person no longer a skeptic. He is full on, those jokes you see about Autism or ADHD and concentration, well that's my boy.  He has gone from getting sent to principals office or home each day to being a model student (does help he has a wonderful understanding teacher this year). It was so bad that by the time he was 9 (grade 2) he had been suspended a few times. The school ran out of his meds recently and forgot to tell me, 8 missed calls they where desparate lol. We tried for an aid, but due to his intelligence being higher than average, it balanced him out on some scale they use for assistance. Very frustrating.


Well as I said when I first started this blog better get to bed, might read another chapter of "Fifty Shades of Grey" Not the best written book I have ever come across, like the author had a copy of playboy in one hand and a thesaurus in the other. “His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. “Are you ready for this?” he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”   Seriously !!!!! this is from the book so you know what I mean lol.
But like thousands of other deprived woman across the world, I want to see if the hampster eats its young lol





Friday, 27 July 2012

SURGERY DATE


OMG OMG OMG. So excited. Finally have my surgery date. 10th August. Rang the booking office and they told me ""finally"". Now I'm annoyed at myself for coming off the optifast, but the last time I rang they told me it wouldn't be until at least September. So 2 weeks on the optifast is going to have to be enough :/

I'm wondering if I have slotted into a cancellation as I haven't received paperwork from them and that would have been it would have been less than 2 weeks notice.
Well so much for the dietitian wanting me on the optifast for 4 weeks. I'm still down 4 kg from when I started it last. But I ended coming off it as I thought it was too expensive to be on for so long. Problem is old 'fat' habits returned and been pigging out last 2 weeks. But I have stayed off the coke and chocolate. Have put on roughly just under 2kg of the 6 I initially lost that first week I started on the optifast. I can hear my body swearing at me already lol. Well have plenty of optifast, just ordered 4 weeks worth of optifast too. Was going to go out for dinner tonight, but have cancelled those plans as starting the optifast as of now. Though my doctor has modified my diet slightly, I need to find Psyllium Husks as a replacement to benefibre as I'm not allowed wheat products. Also she told me to have watered down normal cordial instead of anything with artificial sweetener.

I knew this would all clash, kitchen renovation and surgery. Plus my sister was going to take me home, but she will be away in Queensland that week. The one good thing is it falls on a day that the kids go to their dads for a week. So no worrying about finding carers.








Now I'm starting to get into panic mode typing this, as there is so much to organise. I have to pack up the kitchen, I just started cleaning all the cupboards in the kids rooms so still have to sort though piles of mess (that have found it's way into the hall way thanks to 2 of my kids swapping rooms.) My room looks like a bomb hit it too. Then I also have a voluntary secretary role with my housing group, all the meetings fall in that week so will have to organise someone to take over my role for the week.
But I will say this, it's a happy panic mode. With a hint of fear.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Day 6 Pre Op..... Woohoo hit a small Target

Well have been jumping on the scales daily (habit) lol. Been loosing about a one kg a day (2.2 pounds). Well today I hit the 6 kg (13.2 Pounds). I never really thought about where this weight goes, but considering how much I have been spending on the toilet the last 6 days, I wonder no more lol.
Friend suggested I half my benefiber intake (as I had diarrhea). Did that yesterday and I feel so much better. Obviously my body didn't need so much fibre. My muscles are not aching as much as they did 3 days ago so that's a good sign too.
Oh also my order for the Strawberry optifast arrived (couldn't find it locally) Have decided this is the best tasting protein drink out of all the ones I have tried. Going to retry the soup tomorrow, the last time I had it I made the mistake of making the water to hot and it went gluggy. Will try it with some chopped veggies on my can have list.
Going to be a busy next few weeks, I'm getting a new kitchen and they are redoing the floors in my kitchen/dining/lounge. Plus painting all that area too. Since there is a fair bit of packing and lifting to do thought I'd better make a start. Won't be able to lift anything after the operation.
Haven't been able to get much housework done, school holidays in winter are always a nightmare, 5 kids in a confined space, blood is usually spilled before the end of the week. Plus every time I wash a cup another clean one is taken out of the cupboard and dirtied. So kitchen is on strike!
Tried ringing the hospital this morning as I still haven't got a surgery date, a time frame was ok a few weeks ago, but with 5 kids and other commitments I need dates. Will need to arrange for the boys to be at their dad's the week I go to hospital if it falls on my custody week. Then there is the kids sporting events to arrange them to get to while I can't drive for a couple of weeks. Plus as I mentioned the new kitchen going in, I'm going to have tradesmen  trooping through my house for a couple of weeks.
Couldn't sleep last night, my body was exhausted but my mind wouldn't stop with all the things I need to do.
So speaking of things I need to do, the clothes on my bedroom floor are not going to fold itself....sigh

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Day 3 Pre Op feeling BLAHH

Not going to do a big update, been crook. I have had diarrhea for about 24 hours now. Just really wearing me out. I do suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, but that is usual brought on by too much fat or gluten. I am having my 2 tablespoons of Benefiber a day. Was thinking maybe I have just picked up a bug, but my kids are not sick!
My intake for the day is:
6 x optifast products
2 tablespoons Benefibre
2 x vitimin D tablets
1 x Ferro-Grad C (Iron)
1 x Allopurinol (for gout)
1 x Metforman (Diabetes)
1 x sugarless C
4 x 500ml water


I actually only had 5 optifast last night and  couldn't finish my last water  as I was feeling nauseated. Still have to have 1 more optifast to go today its been a struggle with feeling so yuck. Major headache too.
daughters making up my last optifast shake for the day for me, and I'm trying to polish off this 500 ml water. Then only 500ml to go. About to go to bed early tonight, no energy today.

So has any one else suffered with diarrhea in the first week? Or is it just me and my stuffed up body?

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Day 2 Pre-Op

Day 2 was easier than day 1. Did all my prep work for meals in the morning, I did this because I never seem to be hungry in the mornings, but by about 5pm (usually the time I'm preparing the kids dinner) I'm starving.
So it was handy just to throw chicken and veg's together and throw on some rice for the kids dinner. While I made some chunky vegetable soup for myself.
Ate about half of it, not the biggest veggie eater, but making myself eat it since that's all I'm now allowed with the optifast.
Did up a 28 day tick sheet. Was getting a bit lost about how many optifasts I had and what medications I had taken, also keep a track of my water intake. So now I can see at a glance what I still need for the day.

One really weird thing I have noticed since I couldn't eat the fruit salad I made for the kids today, I really enjoyed sniffing the fruit as I cut it up. At least one of my senses is still enjoying food lol.
School holidays and kids are driving me crazy already. Problem is with five kids outings get very expensive. The 'bored' word comes out a lot and I either suggest they help me with housework are they go read a book. One of my son's piped up "there is nothing to read" when I suggested that today. I have 3 well stocked large bookcases in my house!!!
My eldest son (14) is glued to his computer. So unless his brothers or sister is annoying him I don't hear much from him unless he is hungry lol.
I am doing really well with withdrawals, thought coke withdrawal would have kicked in today. My daughter is monitoring my moods lol
Well my computer time procrastination is over I have a pile of washing to fold.


Thursday, 5 July 2012

Pre Op Diet: Day one

Well the appointment went great. Only set back is I have to go on the optifast for four weeks not two. So today I started the protein diet. I have to have 6 optifast meals a day, plus added fibre and protein. Was so hungry after my first shake this morning It wasn't even an hour before I prepared the next.
Kids won't know what hit them, did the grocery shopping on line last night and didn't order anything norty but Icepoles. I think the hardest thing will be no fruit, always have banana's around as they are a quick in a hurry meal replacement. Won't be able to do that anymore (sigh).
So would you belief a walked out of the hospital and they still haven't given me a surgery date. The doctor I saw (not the surgeon) said that it would be anywhere between 3 weeks and 8 weeks and the fact that we are doing all the pre-admission visit that it won't be any longer than 2 months. So everyday will be a dash for the letter box as soon as the posties gone by to get that all important letter with a date.
I asked the dietitian when to start the optifast as I had no surgery date and she recommended the sooner the better. So here I am at Day 1.
Met a fellow sleeve patient at the hospital. We are around the same height, I probably weigh a bit more than her. We are going to keep in contact. I know I have sleeve friends on line, but having someone I have met and is going to the same hospital and most likely be around the same date. It's kind of comforting.
With the optifast I have to take an assortment of other goodies. Benefiber and also beneprotien (haven't found that one yet) Also had to order some nutri chews on line. Plus my regular vitamins, iron and Vitamin D (which I know have to take 2 a day). Also grabbed some sugarless vitamin C as my daughter has a cold and I want to avoid it as much as I can. All I can say is lucky I had a bit of money saved up as this is a very expensive diet. Spent $300 just today and will have to restock the optifast in 9 days.
Picture is Not my cat, but a very similar.
Speaking of medical expenses, off the diet topic now. Had to take my cat to the vet because he had an abscess. $140 later and might have to go back yet. Was going to drain it myself, but noticed it had got infected. Knew he needed antibiotics. It's a new Tom Cat in the area. My dogs have been going off their rockers the last few weeks. If I get my hands on it, bashing up my poor baby. I suppose my baby isn't a baby anymore he is a 3 year old 5kg spoiled pussy cat.
mmm having an optifast ''Berry Crunch'' bar as I type. Having to have gulps of water with every bite its so dry and bland. Oh well must endure nearly one day down, roughly 27 to go....SIGHHHHH
And yes then the weeks of fluid then mush afterwards. But a life I once had back.
House is so quiet, daughter has taken 3 of her brothers out shopping and only one remains. She is grabbing me the mummy porn book. "Fifty Shades of Grey" thought I'd have a quick read and see what all the fuss was about lol It's Take Out night and they wanted McDonalds so I told them not in-front of me, so think they where going there for tea before coming home. It's weird you hang out for these quiet moments and when they present themselves you don't know what to do. Actually need to get some washing done so must stop procrastinating and get busy.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER

Wow, have I been slack. Been 2 months since my last blog. Some gaps to fill in. Well where do we start!

You know how they say life is a roller coaster. After my last blog my mood was taking me on that slow downward journey. I had allowed to get myself upset that I still didn't have a surgery date. so what happens when you are depressed (well what happens to people that are obese when they are depressed) we eat. We start back on vices that are bad. Coke, things high in sugar, become lazy. I haven't taken back up smoking, but I am still having a few now and then. was even thinking of paying for the surgery  myself again but the government had taxed me a whopping 31% on my super payout. I rang the hospital on a weekly basis in April, hoping they would give me a date. After calling every week for 6 weeks I gave up. So you see I was sad and didn't really want to hear about other peoples wonderful journey's so stayed away from forums and gastric sleeve web sites.
To top of this Journey down. One of my best mates 12 year old passed. This was very hard as he was a healthy active young boy. He had grown up with my sons (same age as my twins) since they where 2. He had a bad cold, his parents took him to the hospital twice and where sent home twice. Only for him to stop breathing later that night. Still cloudy over the why's as there is to be a coroners inquest. But it doesn't end there. Another one of my friends (since kindergarten) found out her 16 year old has cancer on his brain. Then another friend of the families son was badly hurt in a car crash where 2 other boys where killed.
Ok now your thinking what next. Last week my mother was rushed to Intensive Care as her body had shut down due to internal bleeding. She had to have 8 bags of blood and iron transfusion. She is now on the mend ( they said a couple of more hours untreated and we would have lost her) I'm not up on the medical terms, but she had heaps of  Hemorrhoids  in her stomach lining that where ruptured and bleeding.
So my kids have been an emotional roller coaster too with all this. When my kids are emotional... well think of a pub brawl, but take away the alcohol.  So I had lost control a bit, become slack in enforcing household rules and boundaries. Oh and to top it off my car is on its last legs(wheels). Ready for the metal graveyard.
So that's what has been happening the last 2 months. Now where the roller coaster starts climbing.

Oh just quick add here : While in Melbourne visiting my mum, my sister informed me that the hospital I am having my surgery at run out of funding. That all non essential (which they classify weight loss surgery) was on hold till the new financial year. She works at one of the hospitals in the health care group/chain.
Now the climb up. It all started with my boots....... I found a pair of size 12, wide calf boots. I have never been able to find boots that fit my calves. to find shoes that fit comfy (actually have to wear thick socks with them as a little bit to big. But thick socks are great in winter) is a bonus in itself.  I was one happy girl. the boots made me lash out and by a new wardrobe. It was bugger it, who knows when I will be a smaller size I need clothes now. I had been putting off buying new clothes thinking I would need smaller sizes after the surgery. My last years winter outfits where a bit snug or worn out. So I got a new skirt, 3 pairs leggings, new socks and underwear. 5 new tops, new jumper and 2 winter coats.
Then one of my sisters gave me a perfectly good Guest handbag as she had upgraded.
Ok you have the picture of me looking fabulous now. Mum's on the mend, I'm talking to a sister that I had a falling out with 9 months ago and hadn't spoken too since. So since mum was no longer in danger, I came home. The next day is a letter from the hospital telling me my pre- admission appointment. Now I don't have an actual surgery date on that letter. But I'm guessing that if all goes well with the day. It will be 2 weeks of optifast and surgery. So the pre-admission is on the 4th July. So if my guess is right, I'm looking at surgery around the 18th July.
Now that I know the public is pretty much set, my 2/3 of my super payout is now free to finally update my car. So this weekend I brought a new washer and dryer (mine both died in all the chaos, more fuel on the fire) and wait for it........ A NEW CAR (well second hand, but only 6 years old low km) So touch wood. Will pick up my new presents to myself this week.



So life really is a roller coaster, I just hope my ride up is slow and steady.










Sunday, 22 April 2012

Dear World


I found some old stuff I had written ages ago, and thought I'd share this one:


Dear world, I seemed to have misplaced, Mr Will Power, Miss Self Confidence, Mrs Go Getter. These three where replaced by Mr Lazy, Mrs Sleepy, and Miss Shy.
Well I just wanted to tell you I had a long chat with Mr Will Power today, and he said Miss Self Confidence and Mrs Go Getter are happy to befriend me again if I finish up my relationship with Mr Lazy, Mrs Sleepy and Miss Shy.
He even commented if I promise to do what he says he will even introduce me to Ms. Happy.
So dear friends if you see Lazy, Sleepy or Shy annoying me or getting me down. Tell me to find Mr Will power as he will sort them out

Netball Envy

Just had my youngest son at Netball (similar to basketball, except you cannot bounce the ball, and a 3 feet rule. Predominately a female sport, but as with most things now open to all).
I had such Netball envy, I just wanted to jump up and play. I used to play a far bit of netball, gave it up 17 years ago when I fell pregnant, did play a game or two up until I broke my ankle 12 years ago. I remember my last game, I was so unfit, I ached and soaked my clothes in sweat.
As soon as I can drop about 40kg, I want to get back into it.

Well 500 Grams down this week, but have decided since my scales aren't the most realiable. I'm saying this as I jumped on them 3 times in 5 minutes and got 3 different readings. So took the middle reading.

I'm trying to be good with my eating. Just I'm hungry all the time, not just tummy hungry, I know 90% of it's head hunger.  I actually went a few km out of my way yesterday so I could avoid the drive-thru's. McDonalds, Red rooster, Hungry Jacks and KFC all in a path from centre of town to my way home. I was hungry and knew I had food at home. That I did not need the junk food.

Well haven't been sleeping well at all lately. It's something I really have to work on. Went a whole night this week with no sleep at all. Amazing rush I actually got when it hit 24 hours no sleep. Was hopping around like a jack rabbit, even dancing as I made the kids breakfast, needless to say I got some weird looks from my children. So on that note, think I might pop a boring movie on and then hit the sack.



Monday, 16 April 2012

Addictions

Watching Extreme Makeover, and the guy is getting weighed in on a freight scale. Brought back memories of my last pregnancy where the hospital only had scales that went to 120kg and I had to go down to the basement to weigh on the freight scale, it was so demeaning and soul destroying. Think I was around the 140 plus kilogram mark I can't remember exactly.
 
Now the show is comparing food addiction to drug addicts. But it's true. As a super obese person, I can crave something to the point where I will have a total pig out, I once went through the McDonald drive thru and ordered a family meal, just for myself. Have only done it once but that disgust and self loathing I had in myself for days afterwards. Tonight my boys where eating corn chips while watching tv, before I realised it I had helped them consume the whole bowl, I don't think I even stopped for a breath. It was just a unconscious reaction. I used to think why should I deprive the kids the privilege of treats. I turned my privilege into an addiction. Would a drug addict sit there and say, hey kids you inject the heroin, but mummy can only watch!!! I need a healthy home for my kids and that will help me keep myself healthy. Treats need to be saved for birthdays, Christmas and movie nights. Not be available all the time. I usually make my kids lunches with a sandwich, piece of fruit, muesli bar and packet of chips. the chips need to go and be replaced with a second piece of fruit. Chocolate puddings need to be swapped with yogurts. Limit my lazy cooking days (frozen pies and frozen pizza type meals) with home made pizza's on pita, or savory mince on wholemeal toast. If there is no "fast food/snacks" in the house then I'm more likely to snack healthy myself without temptation in my face every time I walk in the pantry door or open the fridge door.
I have come a long way in over a year, not in my weight loss but in other bad addictions and habit. Over a year ago I used to smoke a packet a day (25's). I slowly cut down over time, best law Australian government ever brought in was as from 1st January 2012 shops could no longer display cigarettes. They could still sell them but having them in your face as you where finishing your purchase, always ended with "and a packet of smokes too".  Since they now hide them in locked cabinets the "Out of site out of mind" saying rings so true. Also doubling the price last year helped me cut right back. I cannot say I am totally nicotine free. I do find myself scabbing the occasional smoke when out with friends. But that has now become few and far between and I can't even smoke a full cigarette anymore.
Another habit gone is once a fortnight I used to get smashed for the weekend. Could down 12 plus bourbon and cokes easy. Kid free weekend was drunk Jo weekend. But something happened is I started to get really sick after my binge. Later to discover "hello diabetes" So bye bye to my binge drinking. I now have an occasional drink but been middle of last year since my last binge. Giving away the alcohol also helped give away the smokes.
Giving away drinking also said goodbye to promiscuous behavior, not that I was a tart. But I was married at 21 so when I divorced in 2006 I kind of had a few norty liaisons. Not as bad as Sam on 'Sex in The City' but no Charlotte either. But being single over the last 6 years (I have had 2 serious relationships since my divorce) Alcohol gave me confidence my self esteem lacked.
So no smokes, booze or sex......OMG that is sad lol

I finally broke another habit after 40 years with this revolting habit of biting my nails, I have grown my nails. A few keep breaking, but to have my own nice nails (I am a beautician so I can have fake nice nails when I want). this is only a recent achievement, I actually think it has something to do with the fact I now take Vitamin D and Iron daily and have monthly Vitamin B12 injections. Oh also winning the battle with my coke addiction (the soft drink kind). I used to drink at least 1.25 Litres a day, now I have cut back to about 1 bottle a week.
Now to concur my bad sleep patterns and food addiction............

Oh didn't record my weekly weigh, 400 grams up. Considering my massive binge was expecting more. Well only had one norty corn chip moment so far, so fingers crossed back on track.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Triggers

On a forum I link this blog too, I had a comment about sharing detail about what I ate. I decided after my last blog where there was a comment asking if i'd seen a psychiatrist and making me feel generally bad about myself. I reflected why do I write my blog! I write it for myself. I choose to share it with others. I now do not blog directly to any site but have put a link so people need to make a choice before reading. I will not change my style or thoughts or make a decision on if this blog is going to offend. It's who I am. I have my friends and family constantly judging me, my blog is a place to allow me to totally express myself. I listed my binge foods so I can reflect back upon that blog at a later date and realise why and what I did to help me move over that hurdle. If I just listed had a pizza and other bad stuff, well few months/years/decades down the track I would think "oh that wasn't so bad" But it was and I need to remember that feeling of self loathing and guilt to keep check that this does not happen again. I need to reflect what triggers binges and bad choices in my diet. I won't be able to binge with the sleeve, but I don't want to be a few years down the track and have stretched my small tummy out with wrong choices. My eldest sister had a lap band a few years back. The first year she did great and lost 30kg, but then she discovered that if she "sucked" chocolate it slid right past the band. She has recently gone to a psychiatrist to deal with this as her chocolate addiction stems way back previous to banding. She hasn't put weight back on but she also still needs to loose about 30kg.

I need to note my trigger foods, my trigger moods. People that "enable" (I am saving ENABLERS for a whole blog). So many things set my brain off on bad eating habits. I am not a chocoholic like my sister or daughter but once a month for about 2 days my body craves, needs, wants, chocolate (always know when my periods are coming with this craving). My binge started with the fact I had not had enough water and not eaten enough in the day, that I was bored with the food in my fridge and I had been on stuck on the phone all day to annoying idiots. I know these are not excuses, but I need to know what triggers me. Put out the fire while its smoldering not when its red hot flames.

Speaking of phone calls, I still are not any closer to being given a date, I rang the booking office (yes one of the phone calls on 'B' day (binge day) Every time I ring them I get someone different with conflicting information. This time I was told I would need to go on the optifast diet for 3 weeks prior to surgery and to not go on it till I was told. Ok that one threw me, how can my surgery be in April if I'm on the diet for 3 weeks prior that takes me to May already. Last time I was told I would be called up to come down the following day to see the anesthetist and that the surgery would be a week later!!!! First time I was told I would get a letter for what day to come into surgery. Ok now that is 3 THREE conflicting stories. I know in about 2 months ' hopefully after the surgery' I will look back on this waiting and think why did I let this get to me. But I am letting it get to me and its frustrating. I'm not very spiritual person but I have even been praying this week. I always feel selfish for praying for things for myself, but I feel so desperate.

OK on a completely different note, school holidays finish soon. One more sleep...woohooo. Sometimes I just think 2 weeks is just too long, they get a little bored towards the end. Noticed this when Happy Feet 2 was put on for the 3rd time lol. Fingers crossed Miss 16 year old attends school this term, been having a lot of issues with so many excuses. (had a lot of bullying issues 2 years ago and has hated school since) If senior school started around noon and went till dinner time we would be fine. Missy is just not a morning person. I have to get myself back into a decent sleep pattern too. No more staying up reading and writing blogs till 3am in the morning. I need to do a list of habits I have broken the last few years and those I still need to break. Ok whole other blog there too will call that one 'Addictions"' when I get some more spare time.




Friday, 13 April 2012

Binge Demon v. Me

Ever been doing so well but you trip up at the finish line(end of the week in this scenario ). I have just concluded a 28 hour binge session. This included pizza, nacho's, milkshakes, biscuits, toast with butter(my arch enemy), cheezels, jelly beans and crunchies. I have my shame hat on. :(
Was I hungry? I doubt it, my lack of decent fluid intake would have confused my inner workings that I was. the fact that after I stuffed the seventh piece of pizza in my mouth and then spewed up half of it as my stomach was so full should have been a sign. Would you belief an hour later I ate the last piece of pizza in the box as I couldn't bare to throw it out and it wasn't worth saving in the fridge. I tried to justify my actions by the fact it was a healthy-ish pizza with feta cheese and real tomatoes. But who am I kidding 1245 Calories for that whole pizza, and it didn't stop there.
Do I feel sick and ashamed now... YES... Did I make up 100 lame excuses in my mind why it happened ... YES. Do I need to reflect on why I let myself down?.... Ok I paused on this one (good 10 minutes with writers block here) I think the answer to this one is I need to allow myself to reflect on the why's but in the same turn move on and don't let falling flat on my face allow me back into the hole I crawled out of. Binge demon be gone...........

Been reading a wonderful, heartfelt and eye opening blog about one women's weight loss journey. It's amazing how we can see ourselves in other peoples stories.  Every  time I read a blog (been reading a month a night) I think oh I so want to blog about that myself. Then now as I sit down and finally work on my blog I forget most of these wonderful conversations I was going to have..... o.0


Sunday, 8 April 2012

Week on week off

I do week on week off with four of my kids (the eldest just floats between her father and I). I say this to explain my weight loss pattern. Last weigh in was 5kg (no kids home). The week just gone only 600 gram loss and I think that was only because my IBS was playing up on the weekend. I know it was school holidays and a chocolate rabbit was consumed!  Take out three times this week, pizza, kebabs and fish and chips. I suppose the first step in any battle is knowing where you went wrong.  But anyway back on track today.

Went out last night with a wonderful group of friends. Pub that I used to hang out regularly at before I started loosing my self confidence and when I could drink like a fish. they organise a festival in the street every Easter. So heaps of bands, great weather and great company. Managed to stay out past midnight, haven't done that trick in 6 months. (used to party till 3am).  Even was getting a bit of the opposite sex attraction, not that I was interested which brings me to my next subject.
I am single, I choose to be single at this point in my life. I actually do see a guy casually (he lives in a town 3 hours away). We catch up about once a month and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. But I have this brick wall that won't allow anyone into my heart at the moment. Why you may ask..... Because I have realised I have to love myself before I let anyone else into my heart. My friends are always saying, "oh he was a nice guy chatting you up, why did you give him the cold shoulder?" Because how can I love  anyone if I don't care about myself. If I look in the mirror and all those comments about "you are so pretty if only you where thin." flood my mind. I even had one friend comment last night, after your op, you are going to be bombarded with men asking me out. Why should being 50 kg lighter make a difference. society you suck......
Anyway, rant over. I think what I'm trying to say is I need to get my head in the right place. I am not loosing weight to find love with anyone. i am loosing weight to help me love myself again. I'm angry at myself for getting so big, so unfit so unhealthy. Until I can reverse the self loath thoughts then my heart is closed.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Talking tummy

Can't get over how quick I get full, and I haven't even had the surgery. Just dieting my food intake decreased over the last week and a half. Just had a buttered Chicken from the 'Emily kitchen Range' was yum, but so filling. Most likely as I haven't had much carbs and the rice has really filled me up. Friend said today, "Oh you should just keep this up, you could cancel the surgery"!!! Only been friends for a couple of years, so she has never seen my major yo-yo's. As great this is going at the moment, what will eventually happen is I would get 'comfortable', something in life will bring me down and I'd use that an excuse to become a couch potato again stuffing my face. End up heavier than the time before.

Didn't get to finish my blog last night, little one came in and fell asleep on my bed. When I say little he is 9, but he youngest out of 5. Also Autistic with ADHD, so would love to get fit again to keep up with him.

Wow if you guys could hear my tummy talking right now, had a reasonably big dinner. Roast chicken, home made potato salad, pasta salad and tossed salad. It's 4 hours later and I am still feeling so full. It must be all the pasta and potato. (yes I did use homemade healthy dressings on them all) I have to confess I did eat half a bunny too, brought all the kids an Easter treat as they will be at their dad's. A 175gram (think that's about 6 ounces for my US friends) bunny each. Yes I grabbed one for myself and ate half already. Paying for it now, feeling yuck. But just did my blood sugar and it's at 5.6 so that's good. haven't eaten anything sweet for weeks so think it was a bit of a shock to the system. Not a big chocolate fan anyway. If I'm going to lash out on chocolate I usually like some expensive exotic dark chocolate.
Someone once asked, if you don't eat sweets how did you get so big. Well with cheeses, dips and fried food of course o.0

Still didn't get that exercise done, Lawns are still hairy. I did walk around k-mart for an hour, but that was stopping and starting leaning against the trolley. hurt my back again. This time just picking up a spoon of the kitchen floor!!! Not sure if its the Osteo in my hips or I have actually pulled something. This pain has been on and off since I had the colonoscopy. Could be fine for days then just a simple action like picking up a spoon and its back to deep heat, hot packs and pain killers. Didn't help I shared a bed with the octopus last night, boney knees in my back, legs draped across my body, he even manage to face slap me one stage there.

I think one of the most rewarding things from this journey will be the health benefits as the kilos come off. Just simple things like shopping today will be easier. The pain dropping away with the weight. Not having to take meds everyday, no sleep apnia (not that I use the blasted machine anyhow). No arthritis, no diabetes.

Still no phone call from the hospital, was tempted to ring again today to see if there was a date. But had the last conversation in the back of my head " we will ring you as soon as a dates been set" and "If the Doctor said April it will definitely be April". So thought better of it, plus with Easter holidays. Plus one of my boys broke his wrist yesterday, so with eldest having  perforated  ear drums and then that, my mind has been blahh.


Monday, 2 April 2012

I'll just have one.....

Oh famous last words, but the smell was mmmmm and it all happened before I could put a conscious to my actions. Ordered the kids pizza tonight, was a few pieces left over so I thought one small piece wouldn't hurt. 2 pieces of pizza and 2 pieces of garlic bread later o.0
Not really getting to stressed about it. I hadn't had dinner and all I had eaten all day was optifast drink and bar, plus some grapes and an orange. Day 9 on my diet and didn't realise how much my tummy must have shrunk already. I was full after my little feast. I have been known to gobble a whole pizza! I'm quiet confident I will not have any trouble with my week of only liquid before the op.

Been busy today cleaning my floordrobe, created by those moments when you are going out and nothing fits. Hanging it all back up, thinking about the journey ahead and how I am looking forward to wearing some of these clothes again. This time as I grow out of them I will give them away because they are too big, not because they are too small. I have not allowed myself the luxury of any new clothes since January. So the size 26 and 28's I have been wearing are ready for the trash can not the op-shop.

Other than housework, have not got out and done any exercise again, none at home either. If it doesn't rain tomorrow I was thinking I might mow the lawns, now that would have to be a calorie burner. also want to get the front garden cleaned up a bit.

Oh have to check out for sure how long till I'm allowed to drive after the sleeve. I'm thinking the doctor said 6 weeks (like when you have a c-section). That was back in January so memory is a bit hazy. Just kids play weekend sports so this is going to be fun organising lifts if I can't drive for awhile.
Oh found another motivational poster I like:

Ok I just jinxed myself it just started to rain hahaha. Always the way.